boonray

05:23 pm: Different Worlds, Different Strokes
T had invited me to a NYE's party & met a group of deaf-friends he'd recently made. Although I couldn't converse or interact much with them, I felt a great sense of solidarity amongst them.

While having dinner at a food court at Tampines Mall, I couldn't but suddenly start to reflect upon the worlds that separate between this group of hearing impaired individuals and the rest of the society. Never having been so (physically) close to or even being in the company of any hearing-impaired individuals, this little experience humbled me (quite abit). Knowing that their world must be different from the ones that we know, it just 'hit' me even more saliently the degree of differences are more that I had thought them to be. They go beyond the differences in terms of the ways they communicate and the often-not-so-nice ways the public view them. Their entire socilisation process and access to many "privileges" in society have been blocked, precisely because of their "handicapped" (although I dislike using this word on them).

In a lot of ways, their plight and predicament mirror individuals who belong to the minorities in the society - e.g. economic and social barriers to benefits, discrimation and prejudices based on physical attributes or other limitations & orientations (e.g. racial, ethnic, gender, etc). What 'impacted' me the most was the very salient and evident curious stares (which became very intrusive & imposing after a while) from members of the public - which translated to how, perhaps, ignorant, intolerant and unaccepting the society is of "things" and people deemed to deviate from the norms. It is, in my opinion, even more so in this part of the world that we live in - maybe it's our culture.

To a certain extent, I couldn't help but feel how fortunate we are - being perceived as the 'abled' and 'normal' people. In the "physical-attributes" sense, we belong to the norm.

One question that popped up in my mind was, even if a hearing-impaired is intellectually inclined, alot of economic privileges (e.g. occupational options) have already being blocked, and 'decided' precisely becos of their "handicap". When I looked at them - they are as much "normal" as any one of us.

In some ways, "we" are in similar situation - only that our "handicap" or differences are less salient and obvious. The whole 'experience' humbled me and made me more self-reflective......there are people who are less fortunate than we are...and often we forget to count our blessings....

Spending new year in a huge house (3 storey but felt like 5 storey high in actual fact) with hundreds of strangers - apart from T & gang - was just so bizarre this year.

It's another new year - another new beginning - well, here's to wishing everyone a peaceful, prosperous and healthy 2006! Carpe Diem!

07:45 pm: One Year On....
One year on....it has been that long since I last logged onto 'livejournal'. Times flies - it seems like yesterday when I spent C'mas eve at Keppel Beach Front with a good friend - but at the same time, it seems so long ago. Time works in a "mysterious way" - and like most things in life, cause of events and life experiences can be filled with so much contradictions and ironies. Many things happened over the last one year.....

Entered last New Year in school, having to assume new job-responsibilities as Chairman of 40th Anniversary -the thought & task ahead was daunting - and it didn't help at all that I was already losing faith in the education system and feeling really bleak & exhausted of my school-career. Half way through in May, left the service and re-entered the corporate world - felt excited and knew IT IS "the way out". June marked a great milestone in my life as far as my career move was concerned. At around the same time, sis gave birth to a baby girl - My niece - little J. is now the gem of the family! One of the few comforts in my life - I feel very much a parent to little J.

Like always, I dread the year-end festivities. It is not so much dreading the holiday season per se, but more because it marks the end of the year & the begining of a new one - a time for reflection and progress -a mixture of feelings of contradictions & unclear thoughts - of things undone and unaccomplished - Another year marked and marred with bad-good memories of yester-year and the prospect of another year of uncertainties. I can't but inevitably feel empty - about who I am, where I am, where I am going - of my life journey as a whole. And I dread much, having to always "go on" alone....Okay! Enough of self-pitying!

Like many things ironic - things went around a full circle this C'mas. Perhaps one of the few good things that came out good of 2005, was that I found back a friend I lost in Dec last year. The friend who organised a C'mas gathering 2 years ago, decided to have everyone come for a C'mas day dinner & gift exchange -and he invited me! Things between us actually took a great turn in mid 2005 and I remembered him saying that what happened in Bali last year, in thinking back, was "quite silly".....Surreal...

The feeling was great and the gathering was fun - we had, as usual, too much food, and too much to eat!

Just as I have rekindled ties with an old friend - I am starting to feel that perhaps my ties with another may be dwindling. It could be because, as the usual & convenient excuse goes, our works robbed us of many opportunities to interact - But I can't help but also feel and think that, it could also be partly due to the fact that he is now more attached than ever. Don't get me wrong - I am not at all jealous, or even envious at all of their relationship - it is always great to celebrate another friend's good fortunes - esply when he/she is happily attached....the ambivalent feelings go deeper than these.....

Not to sound judgemental here - but as one verbalises or pens one's thoughts down, they inevitably become construed as value judgements. Just thought I need to get it off my chest a bit:-
Perhaps he is still young - perhaps his partner is not experienced; perhaps they see nothing 'wrong' (not that there is! as it is not a matter of right or wrong, but a matter of "how much" and "how to balance"), perhaps,.... they are just perhaps "clueless" (as another friend concludes).

It is no one businesses to say or even "outline" how a couple should love; but it is (perhaps)about how much a couple gets so 'absorbed' in their own worlds that it starts to "infringe" & "encroach" upon the developments of their friendships and relationships with other people around them that is really the cause of concern.

I am perhaps also disappointed that, after having given them a close to 3-hour talk-sharing session (at NYDC Heeren), a few months ago, when both of them had to iron out certain issues between them, that all my (humble) "advices" went 'out of the window'. Namely, we discussed at length the issue of "having to give each other space to grow and develop; and to let the other be the person he is".

One of my disappointments and sadness came from the fact that (if I may dare say, that I'd known him well enough...) he may be "suppressing" who he is (i.e. e.g the independent person he is) to give way to the other's over-zealous and at times, over-obessesive overt 'pouring of affections', sharing of almost everything between them, to the extent of 'eliciting' overly-reliant experiences (in almost every event situations) between both of them, even in the company of friends, and rendering a sense of social awkwardness amongst people around them. Hopefully, he is accepting all these without compromising the person he IS - and not because he can't say 'NO'......

At times I find it puzzling too, and can't help but feel that the slightest things that I've shared was not even remotely evaluated by them - the overly showering of reliance (in my view) is not just "unhealthy" for the relationship but also demaging to the individual should something negative happened to their ties. What irks me most are the (what I perceived as) emotional blackmails that have been overly displayed and verbalised by one to the other......

Oh well, I am going to stop now....Will have to think of how and when to bring this subject up - if there is at all, an appropriate time.........Just want the best for him - and for them both. And just hope that he knows what he is really getting into and what he wants.....I may not be the right person he may want to confide in - I may not be even the 'right' person to comment or say much of their relationship. I just don't want to feel that a friend is 'slipping away'....

Well, here's to another new year - another year of uncertainty, another year older and hopefully wiser...the prospect is scary - at work, social front and what more of my biological years of existence!.....

Tags: feeling a little blue

11:29 am: "A Wonderful Christmas"
I dislike year-end holidays...especially those of festivities.....it was only a year ago when a good friend organised a small get-together dinner-cum-drinks with a small group of people - cosy, friendly, heart-warming....it was different this year.....

Like many Christmases, they have always been spent alone.....

Have grown accustomed to treat the holiday as another day....

As usual, having nothing planned, went gymming & swimming with a good friend....I feel so comforted that he was willing to spend C'mas with me....

Had a good makan & wine by Keppel Beach Front.....soaking in the tranquility & cool sea breeze of the night, munching on our satays & sipping white wine....the night was so calm, so peaceful.....

Just before midnight, some people came up to us with 'streamers-crackers' and as the clock neared midnight, the whole beach, tables and chairs were filled with multi-coloured streamers....

I felt so blessed, comforted and was greatly thankful - that I'd spent a simple, yet very pleasant day-evening with a good friend :)

11:13 am: "When Will The Sun Come Back?"
A dreary, wet, gloomy start to the new year.....strickened by a global catastrophe, deaths & tragedies....

Just read the news of how a volunteer of a Land-Rover Convoy on a aid-mission to Thailand lost his life on the road.....

Let's pray for a better tomorrow, a better 2005....

He finally contacted me after a long period of absence....a little comfort, and a great gift to the start of the new year....

Peace on Earth

07:53 pm: "An Overwhelming Emotion...."
"Sadness is such an overwhelming emotion. It has a way of derailing all your plans for the day, and snuffing out your energy. Sadness plants itself in the centre of your consciousness, and dictates you from then on. It spreads itself out through your spirit so that you leave a trace of it in everything you do or say. I've just finished baking a tray of sadness-flavoured cookies. I'm now listening to some of the cheeriest sad music. I guess sometimes you just have to drown yourself in sorrow. I'm drowning..."

Grace Chow (dyingis.blogspot.com)

03:49 pm: "I Just Wanna Move On....." :(
I am feeling very sad & disappointed at some level after having read D's latest journal entry today. After D's initiation to talk earlier this week on Monday night regarding what had transpired over the last couple of weeks, I left our talk feeling good - good that, we'd both ironed out the horrible after-math of our first chat one Sunday ago - feeling great that we recognised that both of us treasure the relationship; friendship and that we'd reassured ourselves of what we have and can have as friends. After that night, T, a mutual friend realised the change of my temperament & mood (over our phone chat) and said : "At least now you sound cheerier!!"

......I was HAPPY,.. and didn't want to 'analyse' the actual 'ending' of the conversation between D & I that night...... till now.....

For me, there was some form of 'closure' as far as patching up, addressing and knowing at least where we are as friends thereafter was concerned. I knew D didn't have as much a 'closure' to the issues discussed that night, because his focus of "where do we go from here", a question he posed at the 'end' ('the ending') of our chat hinges upon what actions/decisions/& feelings I would take & have for S. I told him I was actually not prepared to address my feelings that night - my feelings towards the whole episode & towards what had happened between me & S, and the impact the situation had on D; and D & I. I had been feeling AMBIVALENT the whole week - confused, sad, depressed, abandoned, accused & guilty - and I was not READY that night to unravel all those knotted feelings for another person, to convincingly tell a friend, "I have no interest fo S and I will back off for the sake of our friendship".

In looking back at the 'ending' of our chat, I can't help but now, feel that D was giving me some kind of "ultimatum" - as he related to me what his stand in numerous relationship situations would be - For him, he will "not touch" the love interest if he knew the love interest was dating someone or in a relationship; or if he knew that a friend has similar interest for that same person. He then asked me whether I have seen the movie 'Love Actually' and my answer was 'No' - "Go watch it", "Go borrow the movie and watch it", he said, and he proceeded to relate the story to me - which I thought was a little strange since he'd earlier recommended me to watch it myself, probably with the hope for me to perhaps draw my own conclusion about things and yet he proceeded to tell me how, in that story, one of 2 male friends, who shares the love interest for the same girl, 'backed off' from the courtship for friendship sake. After hearing that I felt so 'small', so 'diminished', so 'judged'.....

I had earlier told D during our chat that I'd SMSed and called S numerous times - wanting to find what S's stand is - the conclusion S gave was he is not ready for any relationship - I told D I had to know becos, on one hand, on a personal level I need to know where I stand in this. Two, I needed to know becos it would be such a "big joke", at least for me, that my friendship with D will be 'thrown out of the window' for nothing if S had nothing for me in the first place at all! I was experiencing too much of an AMBIVALENT state of mind the whole week after the trip and I'd had enough. BUT I knew as I told D, I was/am honest with him.

Alas,....I am now very saddened to read from D's entry that his feelings and thoughts of the whole damn situation still remains the same (ala the "saga continues" - as far as I am concerned the "saga" between D & I had ended...OR AT LEAST I thought, it did! And I just thought a lot of those other feelings revolving around S has to be dealt with at OUR individual levels) - I am so hurt now after I'd gathered from D's tone in his journal that he still deems me as the "same horrible person" he'd thought me to be during the trip - that I 'came clean' to him only in an unethical way; that I am the person who still 'play with words'; that he still thinks that I was not 'honest in handling the whole process & progress' of the situation between S & I during the trip.....was I supposed to let D know of every move, action, words exchanged between S & I, no matter how trivial, flirtatious or graphic they were???? Do I owe him to disclose any details??? Just becos he is FIRST in line as far as his interest for S is concerned and I only came SECOND in the order of things, I am devoid of any 'rights' and that the only path I should take is to "back off"????? D & I were not dating S,....and we still aren't!!! S showered me with words & acts of affections - maybe they weren't affections - but just mere words & acts of flirtations - S probably wasn't even aware he was LEADNING me ON!!! So, what the F..king Heck!!??

D confided in a friend about what had happened, and according to his friend I was/am "unethical" and I "know no boundary".........was I "truthfully" & "completely" represented when the story was unfolded to D's friend? Was every detail of what happened mapped out to to his friend?? I don't know..and I don't care now...maybe it was not important at all.....But all I know is when D told me this.....the word "UNETHICAL" was/is stuck on me....D told me it'd hurt hearing it...and IT DID and IT DOES (alot now).....

I told D during our chat that I probably needed time too, to get over this.....becos my gut feel is nothing is gonna come out between S & I - and D knows now that S has told me the same thing he'd told D - that he is NOT ready for any relationship this moment. But D had to add: "It has only been 3 months (since S broke up)...so who knows."

WHY did D have to say that??? "Why??" I asked myself and him....amongst other, what I thought were sadistic actions & words he took and uttered to me during the trip when he saw S flirting with me. Admittedly, D said he can be a sadist to himself - saying & doing things in that light, to hurt himself - it seems to me that, in the whole process of doing so, D makes "devils" of his friends, should they behave in the ways & conditions he'd seem to have "manipulated" or "staged" for the eventualities to happen(eventualities which he wished & hoped for deep inside him that would not happen!!).....SO,... are D's friends supposed to be subjected to all these "TESTS", to "prove him wrong" so as to emerge MAGNANIMOUS in order to warrant themselves HIS TRUE friends??????????

Was I supposed to tell D that night during our chat, to reassure him (on his terms) that I am all ready to forgo any feelings for S???? It appears to me now that D wanted and wants to HEAR that from me - that I'm ready to abandon "ship" ; the CLOSURE he was seeking........I told D I couldn't tell him anything of that conclusion that night becos at my personal level; emotionally, mentally, I have to grapple and come to terms with my OWN feelings, my OWN 'baggages' (of esteem & securities issues) and all that had been showered upon me by S during the trip. I was made to FEEL GOOD, FLATTERED & WANTED to have that all left UNADDRESSED and then ALL TAKEN AWAY over night.... I need time to deal with all these myself.

All these probably meant nothing to S - that they were all sheer exagerrated display of flirtations & affections thrown onto me - for whatever reasons I won't know - it was all NADA!!! S said he was not flirting and that HE was just being WHO HE IS - so, what does that mean??? He provided no answers....and I don't see him intending to.....

I just need to come to terms with all these myself. My self-esteem, confidence and securities are being bruised (too!) and I need to heal them....I told D that, and I can't give him the closure he wanted to hear.

What more,... during the trip, on the last nite, in the same room where S, D & I slept, I'd rejected S more than thrice, in the presence of D, his persuasion for me to share the bed with him (amongst the numerous overt advances, which all our friends at the trip witnessed, or what we all thought to be advances made by S towards me).....So SHOULD I have 'backed off' MORE...by walking out of the room????......MAYBE I should.....for D's sake...NO!!!!
I should HAVE....for MY SAKE!!!!

I wonder now, IF I had told D, at the time when he first disclosed to me his similar liking towards S in KL on arrival, and he'd asked me to call on S when we get back from our trip, that my answer was "YES, I will pursue S." - what would D's feelings, actions and thoughts be .....and SHOULD hypothetically, arising from this, S & I end up together, how D would behave and react towards me and S & I..... I really wonder.......

S is not entirely clueless of the falling-out between D & I.... he knows becos I told him before D intiated the talk with me - but D still thinks that S is "cluelss".... What baffles me is to date, S hasn't contacted D or myself, to even address, one, D's disclosure of his feelings towards S. Two, to talk to me about why he did what he did in Bali/KL, he hasn't spoken to me verbally about what he thought or felt of the whole incident, that he might have been the (indirect) cause of the wedge between D & I; or even about D & my individual disclosure of liking towards him separately,.....To me, it seems that ALL these do not bother him at all!!!Something I thought anyone in the human service proffesion should be sensitized towards - a quality he seems not to have possessed at all.....So why is S still riding high on the pedestal, and me, deemed as a horrible & "unethical friend"???????

Screw S!!!! Maybe he has too many suitors on his heels to keep him occupied & he is not even giving two hoots about this damn thing that is causing both D & I so much unnecessary distress!!!

All for WHAT??!! For F??!!!!! And D & I are probably not even any where near his "potential list" - And this whole damn thing is apparently not bothering him at all. To be a little kinder to S - Maybe he is bogged down by his own coming to terms with his breakup with his BF of 2half years - Maybe this, Maybe that, - Maybe WHATEVER!!! Screw the whole damn thing!!!! - Screw S!!!!!!- Screw men!!!!!! And Screw the World!!!!!!!!

I just want to move on .......and maybe I am just one f-uped, unethical piece of shit!!

08:57 pm: "Life is Hard...."
"Angels of America" -

Meryl Streep's character: "At first it can be very hard....to accept how disappointing life is...but that's what it is and you have to accept it. With faith & time,....and hard work, you do get to a point where the disappointment doesn't hurt so much...and it gets actually easier to live with. Quite easy. Which is, in its own way, a disappointment."

12:51 am: "To Be or Not To Be???"
A question I have been left with tonight - to withdraw and back off from acting upon someone (A) becos friend (B) still has intense feelings for A or not to.

Friend B has had these feelings for A for a long time, which was only made known to me 2 weeks ago during a holiday trip which we all went on together. During the trip, A made overt passes and intiatives - which could be easily deemed as being flirtatious, but A's display of "affection" was evident & bold - towards me. I have developed feelings for A shortly prior to and even more so during the trip. Friend B has made his feelings known to A but A is not ready for any relationship....so, the question I have been posted with, is do I act or not act upon A at all. Friend B and I had a fell thru' and we sort of patched things up tonight, both calmer and more cool-headed. Clearly our friendship matters & I am truly glad and grateful we'd talked things thru to some extent tonight - but where do we go from here?

Friend B did say that he'll feel awkward should A & I have anything going. Of cos, should A act upon me, there is nothing Friend B could do, as he'd brought up & agreed upon. But Friend B is not sure how he will behave towards us should things developed otherwise and when/if we're being seen together.

The ball apparently seems to be in my court at the moment as I am expected to affirm Friend B that on my part, I'd not be proactive on this matter. I couldn't tell B that earlier, and frankly I need to sort out my feelings, come to terms with them and myself, to decide what I should do next; how I should feel - especially since, during the trip, I was made to feel "good" that I was wanted, needed, and flattered. Feelings and states of experience like these do not just come to us anytime, anyday. But since we got home from the trip A has been giving mixed signals - and that doesn't help the situation now.

For friendship sake.....am I/ will I be magnanimous to convincingly say to Friend B that "I WILL BACK OFF"? Have I been unethical? A question I am still asking myself......

What should I do?? Honestly at this point in time, I don't know.....

05:20 pm: "Are We Intrincsically Selfish? Or Are We Dispositioned to Be...?"
Saw 3 chapters (1half hour already and only half a DVDisc thru the 2 discs)of "Angles Of America" - thinking it was gonna be a light-hearted human drama - but it is rather depressing - BUT great story line -dark, quirky as well as satirical sometimes.

An excerpt of an advice given by an unscrupulous, mature right-wing fixer, strickened by AIDS played by Al Pacino, to a young Mormon Republican attorney - both closeted - went like this:-

"I am not afraid of Death. What can death bring that I haven't faced. I have lived.
Life is worst..... Love,.. that's a trap.... Responsibility,..that's a trap too.... Life is full of horror. Nobody escapes.... Nobody.....Save yourself. Whatever pulls on you. Whatever needs from you. Threaten you....learn at least this,.. what you're capable of, don't let anything stand in your way."

Stark,...Morbid,...Cruel,....

Is that an eventual reality?? .....

11:49 pm: Feeling Empty after a Long Week
It has been one hell of a busy hectic, and at times stressful for me, as sister got married on Wednesday. Although it was a small, intimate affair, there were still preparations which needed to be done. On Monday, I'd decided to present her something more meaningful to accompany the speech I was gonna make at her wedding dinner. I managed to rampage thru some old photo albums and a CD Rom, comprising montage of photos tracing her childhood to present day was produced within an afternoon with the help of a good & close girl friend.

Sis met her hubby from Perth just this year and they'd decided to get married in Dec - in some strange ways I felt envious and maybe a teeny weeny tinge of "jealousy" - as I once met an Aussie guy & things didn't work out precisely becos it was a long-distance affair which made things very, very difficult. Perhaps in a straight world, becos union of a couple is sanctioned by the defined roles of husband and wife, tying the knot was made so much easier than one of that a gay one.

Simon, my now new bro-in-law had his mum come down from Perth for the wedding, and I was assigned the job of ferrying her to & fro the apartment she put up at, and entertaining her with our family the last 3 days. It has been exhausting, but physically & mentally it took my mind off things - but my heart was/is still heavy with what happened 3 days before the wedding. But at least last week, I had the distractions of my sis's wedding - now that sis, Simon & his mum have gone back to Perth, the "distractions" (that helped me cope to some extent) went along with them - my heart is now filled with a great sense of void.

My predicament of the situation came true last night...... T has been a great & supportive friend, and I do feel bad that he (may be) is caught in the middle of this whole situation - I am so appreciative of him for being here.

I really don't know how and what to feel anymore - all I know is I am numb, and in a lot of ways, I have lost a great sense of confidence, morale & self-esteem - and I am very tired. I certainly do not look forward to 2005 as this year is drawing to a close. All I want is to fall into a deep, deep sleep......

I wonder when the sun is gonna rise from my window again :(

01:43 pm: The Need To Be Loved
Is it so difficult for us to accept others - to accept their weaknesses as readily as their strengths; to accept their flaws as readily as their good qualities;

Is it so difficult for us to accept rejections, as readily as we embrace acceptance;

Is it so difficult to love, and to be loved in return;

Is it so difficult to forgive, as easily as we hate;

There is probably no straight forward answers to all the questions - but as paradoxical & ironical as life presents itself sometimes, there are always two sides to the same coin;

And the irony within this irony is that it is often easier to accept one side of the story - the way we want a story to unfold - than to see & accept both sides. Perhaps, therein lies the Selfishness of our Ego.

I always thought the greatest thing that you'll ever learn ... is just to love & to be loved in return - A Romantic Ideal - A Naviety? Or just one of life's delusions that we strive to attain - at one point of our lives or another. Is it justifiable then to attain this ideal at the expense of everything else?

God knows................

08:56 am: A CONFUSED STATE OF MIND
It took me a long, long while to get this journal started after being introduced to it by a friend a couple of months ago. A few friends persuaded me to use this as a platform to pen my thoughts and feelings down.

Lately, I am going through a series of ambivalent feelings, emotional roller coaster with feelings & emotions going all hey-wired over friendship matters, which is further complicated becos both of us are caught in a crossroad over someone that we both have interest in. I have been reading D's recent entries in his journal over this issue and am extremely disturbed, troubled and saddened by how he is feeling and by the whole situation. I never knew he has such intense & strong deep feelings for S, even though I knew he has feelings for S. I am now being deemed as a "manipulater" when it comes to matters of the hearts - someone who is 'good at maneuvoring' around, by 'checking' & sussing out another's thoughts & feelings so as to serve my personal benefit & calculations - a 'mind-game' player - Sigh.... As much as D feels "betrayed" by me - which I still can't fully understand - although, I can understand & empathise how one can feel "betrayed" by the circumstance - I know I have not "betrayed" D - I can't deny the fact that I am deeply hurt & wounded too in this whole thing.

I have always revered D - as a great leader, a mentor and most importantly a true person & friend. He has and will always be the "guardian" that opened the "doors" for me to get in touch with my true self. My confrontation with D to talk to him over coffee one weekend ago, was done precisely because his friendship matters to me - a lot. The irony of the whole thing is, perhaps nothing is going to come out between S & myself - becos I am experiencing a great deal of mixed signals (which is of another story altogether) - and in this whole process of it all, I might and perhaps have already lost a good friend.

I really don't know what and how to think and feel now - all I know is I have been made to feel darn bloody guilty. I am hurt, deeply saddend and confused.....it's not gonna help as C'mas is just round the corner & a new year is about to begin....not looking forward to them all....